


Just a vent fic

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Blood/mentions of blood, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Trigger Warnings!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:28:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28516419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is just a vent fic that I made. This will be a diary type thing.Theres TW’s so make sure you know this before you read, if you want to read.TW: SH (se1f-h5rm) suicidal thoughts, homophobia (f-slur, I can own up to it), blood, there might be more that im missing so be careful.
Kudos: 1





	Just a vent fic

**Author's Note:**

> There will be TW’s so be careful.

Y/N’s diary.

March 15th, ****

I started self-harming. I don’t know why I did, but I did. I always wanted to, I just didn’t know how. I still really don’t know how. All I did was get scissors and cut it against my skin. Doing that gave me very small cuts. I then cut on my foot, giving it larger, but not much, cuts. Doing that made me feel ‘good’. I felt achieved that I finally did it. It made me feel a little relieved and, for the first time, proud of myself. I was kind of disappointed that there was barely any blood, I wanted to feel blood come out of me, again I don’t know why but I just did. There was a little but still not enough for me to be satisfied with myself. I did another cut on the opposite foot, feeling a little more satisfied with myself. I just stood there looking at what I did to myself. Looking at the small cuts and the bigger cuts, I was actually kind of happy with myself for once. I wiped the little to no blood off of myself and didn’t bother to try and cover up the cuts. I don’t know why, maybe I just felt like no one would care or maybe I felt the need to show them off, like some sort of trophy or achievement. I continued trying to do small cuts on my hands, unfortunately I was unsuccessful. I was mad at myself, but soon that turned into regret. I don’t know what I regretted, but I just know the anger turned into something else. Thats all what happened, since its only been a few days since I started. Hopefully, but not really, I get better. I might start to be genuinely happy instead of faking it. Maybe I forget about _them_ , all the things that happened, maybe I will forget it all.

March 17th, ****

(Insert random name) . She was the one who made me like this. She was the only who made me want to die. She was the one who made me want to hurt my self. I miss her. I don’t care that she pushed me aside. I don’t care that she doesn’t care about me back. I only want to come back to her. I miss her smile. Her laugh. God did I love her laugh. She was one of the brightest, if not THE brightest, people I knew. I think she liked me as a friend. The thing was that I liked her more than that. I always had to hide it, being afraid that if I accidentally tell her she would hate me and shun me for liking her. Maybe thats why I told her after we stopped being friends. When I told her, she didn’t respond. I thought “maybe she needed more time to think about that” since it when pretty sudden when I told her. That wasn’t true. A couple months passed by, maybe like 1-3. She never responded to me. Only when I came out, she responded. Only responding saying that she was proud of me for coming out, completely outing what I had said before. Thats all what happened. She hasn’t said anything else about what happened before. I was thinking if she would ever like me back or become friends with me again. Maybe, just maybe, I could just forget her. Forget what had happened. Forget all the good and bad memories that had happened with us. Just forget. Or maybe even move on and stop wondering if she would ever respond to me again. I already knew the answer, she wouldn’t. Thats all what happened, probably more would happen as time moves on, but we never know.

March 26th, ****

(Insert a different name). I don’t think he likes me. He just pretends to be my friend out of pure pity. I never thought that he would be friends with me, considering that I was a total jerk to him. I push him away and shun him and yet he still stays. I think he forces himself to, maybe because i’m one of his only friends and he might not want to lose one. Even if he does actually want to be my friend and stick with me, why? Why would you want to be friends with someone who is mean to you? Why would you want to be friends with someone who tells you complete nonsense? Why would you want to friends with someone who is basically a ‘bully’ to most people? He still sticks with me no matter if I ignore him, shun him, or push him away. I don’t deserve to be his friend. I don’t deserve friends. Honestly I think that he forces himself to be friends with me, if he didn’t he would of already left me. Maybe that’s why when I ‘confessed’ to him he only said “awww you have a crush on me” and nothing else. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t respond. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t care about anything I tell him. Maybe that’s why he potentially hates me. When he does leave me, it’ll just be the situation with (insert other name) all over again. I’d keep bothering him even when he doesn’t respond, even when he doesn’t care or even remembers me. That’s my thoughts, but I never knew what he thought.  
  


April 6th, ****

I keep trying but it won’t work. How am I going to kill myself if I can’t even cut myself properly? This morning I went to the bathroom, when I washed my hands, I stood there looking in the mirror admiring my cuts. I was a little satisfied but again I haven’t cut deep enough for blood to rush down my hands. I want to feel as it drips down onto the floor as a puddle of blood sits there. I don’t know why I wanted this, but I just did. I have no reason for cutting, though. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything that would probably make me, I haven’t even been diagnosed with anything in general. I just felt like I needed too, like it was required.

  
April 13, ****

The only friend I had left me. They said “ I’m not being friends with a freak. Go kill yourself, **faggot.** ”. Those words were forever engraved in my mind. Maybe I should. Life would be much better without me. Everyone would be happy, they wouldn’t have to deal with my nonsense, they wouldn’t be forced to like me. **Maybe I will.**

April 26th, ****

Dear whoever sees this,

I’ll miss you, I think. I don’t know why I am doing this or feeling like this. I always feel like garbage and I just feel numb. I feel like this all the time. I always get a constant reminder that I am useless. Everyday is just pain, regret and numbness. So if you see this, I hope you remember me. Please, just a little.

Love, Y/N.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> All in all, just a vent fic i made.  
> I didnt re-read it for mistakes, sorry if there was some.


End file.
